Eden Hill Journal

Comments, dreams, stories, and rantings from a middle-aged native of Maine living on a shoestring and a prayer in the woods of Maine. My portion of the family farm is to be known as Eden Hill Farm just because I want to call it that and because that's the closest thing to the truth that I could come up with. If you enjoy what I write, email me or make a comment. If you enjoy Eden Hill, come visit.

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Location: Maine, United States

Friday, August 03, 2018

How to Train a Narcissist

I've been learning a thing or two the past few years about narcissistic people. I've read a few books, watched some YouTube videos, read a few things online, and of course learned from personal experience. There's always personal experience.
Narcissist is one of those words that most people tend to either define for themselves or just plain tolerate without any real understanding of its meaning. It's like passive aggression which is narcissism's first cousin - or is it aunt. I can never recall the exact relationship, grandmother maybe or stepson. So what does the word mean?
  1. The first thing you need to recognize about narcissism is that it is a behavior. Narcissism refers to certain particular kinds of behavior.
  2. The second important point is that narcissism is manipulative. The narcissist has mastered the fine art of manipulating other people in order to meet their own perceived desires or needs.
  3. The third important aspect of narcissism is that it is childish. Generally speaking narcissists learn the behavior as a child and even when adults behave that way, they seem childish somehow.
  4. The forth aspect is that narcissism is a competition. Narcissists compete for control and because they have mastered the fine art, they persist until they win. They beat you down until you finally give in to their demands.
  5. The fifth aspect is that narcissists generally know who they can victimize and who they really shouldn't. They practice their art on you if they feel they can win the competition. They refrain when they know they can't get their way with you, when you never give in to the manipulation, when you just simply don't play their game. When child narcissists have not yet learned how to be around people and not try to dominate them, they will avoid the people they know they can't dominate.
So in other words narcissists are childish manipulators who if you let them will beat you down until you give in and meet whatever demands they are imposing on you. They aren't much fun to be around when they are playing their game.

By the way, as always this is just one man's perspective. There's no need to quote me. I'm not an expert. I've just been around a few narcissists for the past forty plus years and have even generated a few of my own. Hi kids. Sorry about this! Wife too! Oh and let's not forget the mother-in-law!

Narcissists are easily offended. I'm talking piece of cake easy. If a narcissist is trying to practice the art on you, all you need to do to offend her (note the use of a gender correct pronoun here, not saying all narcissists are female although a hell of a lot of them are) is to resist her control over you, like maybe point out the childish absurdity of her behavior and refuse to go along, refuse to comply.
I had the opportunity to do just that a couple days ago. My daughter-in-law was visiting with her three kids, the grandkids, and almost as soon as they were out of the van they were asking me to take them to the playground. The youngest, Alice, has Lyme disease and has problems getting around so her mom brought along a new wagon for her to ride around in. So it was agreed that I would pull the wagon. In the wagon was a bag of Cheetos or something like them. Alice's older sister wanted some of Alice's Cheetos but she's a wee bit heavy set right now and her mom is trying to, or at least seeming to try to do something about it so she was saying no, those are Alice's. Bethany had already been offered a hot dog and even supper but had refused it. Still, she was starving and just had to have some Cheetos. Well before you know it Bethany is throwing a crying hissy-fit that any baby would be proud of. Bethany is a ways from being a teenager but she's a far cry from being a baby.

So guess what happened next. Her mom said OK you can have some Cheetos.

I thought about this for a moment and then I walked up to Bethany, yes right there in front of her mother, and I said Wow! You got just what you wanted just by crying! I was loudly exclaiming this to her. So then I said Congratulations! and I reached out my hand and gave her a vigorous handshake. I told her I was really impressed! She looked at me and smiled like she wasn't quite sure what I was up to or why I was doing this, saying these things.
So what did her mom say? She said I know, I know, I'm tired and I give in when I'm tired.

So do you get what I'm saying? Here's a mom who lets her kids get away with childish manipulative self-absorbed behavior constantly enough to wear her out and then rewards them for it.

I don't know about you, but I think this kind of behavior has become the social norm. Parents are no longer allowed to discipline their own children. They are taught not to. They are taught that disciplining children is akin to child abuse. Parents are supposed to reason with their children, not discipline them.

So here is a family who reasons with their kids but doesn't really believe in disciplining them because disciplining children is child abuse. So what's it like to reason with young children? Let me inform you about something. Children will beat you to a pulp if all they have to face for childish selfish self-absorbed behavior is kind words. Cruel words from parents is verbal abuse so the words coming from parents need to be kind words. Kids, though, have no such restrictions. Abuse of parents by children is generally considered to be an oxymoron so the kids can say whatever the hell they want however the hell they want to say it.

The title of this post is "How to Train a Narcissist". I just showed you how it's done. When kids grow up being rewarded for this kind of behavior and never learn that behaving this way is wrong in so many ways that they just have to teach themselves not to behave this way, they become adult narcissists. Our modern society is full of this kind of people now, full to the brim and overflowing. Our modern world is drowning in narcissism and we can't even see it. We don't even know what the word means.

Oh did I offend you? Awwwwwww… What, you want me to say I'm sorry?!!!


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