Eden Hill Journal

Comments, dreams, stories, and rantings from a middle-aged native of Maine living on a shoestring and a prayer in the woods of Maine. My portion of the family farm is to be known as Eden Hill Farm just because I want to call it that and because that's the closest thing to the truth that I could come up with. If you enjoy what I write, email me or make a comment. If you enjoy Eden Hill, come visit.

My Photo
Location: Maine, United States

Tuesday, May 01, 2018

I Ask Myself Is This About Me?

I seem to have no problem suspecting that most true narcissistic people are female.

However, that's just one man's opinion. I think the general consensus is that most abusive individuals are male. So from that I should be able to conclude that if there is a narcissist in my marriage it's much more likely it's me since I am the male.

That said, it seems to me like I've read from multiple sources that a narcissist doesn't seek advice about narcissism and I fail that particular test for narcissism big time. I want to know what it is, how it affects the people around me, what can be done about it. I want to understand narcissism from the victim's perspective.

A day or two back I came across a YouTube channel by a lady named Joanna Kujath. She has many videos on the subject and seems to hit the nail right on the head. She speaks from the point of view of someone who has herself overcome the impact of a narcissist in her own life. At least that's how it seems to me. Anyway, here's a link to what I think could be a good introductory video of the subject.

My problem is that I've always thought that song was about me ever since the first time I remember hearing it in that small village pub just off base. Maybe that's why I'm so drawn to the idea it may be me, not her, who is the guilty one.

Early to Bed

Well I might need to go to bed early. This afternoon the sun came out and it warmed right up, maybe to 50 or 55 who knows but the sun was baking by around two o'clock. I'd had no energy at all this morning. It was another cold drab day till noon or so.
I went to the bike shop downtown and got a tube for FatBoy. After I'd given him new sneakers his rear tire kept going flat so today was fix that problem day. Then it was I want to go for a bike ride! So I started off slow, didn't know how far I'd go but it stayed nice and I wound up biking around the 5-mile square including a side trip to the airport.
FatBoy is acting strange with its new tires. They do this snake thing when they tilt to one side or the other and it doesn't take much tilting for them to do it. They pull the steering towards whichever side they are tilted to and that is extremely annoying on a road with a side slope and there's a fair amount of paved road right now that tilts towards the ditch both sides of the road.
Other than that the ride was awesome fun for my first ride of the year. After that ride, though, I might just go to bed early.

I've been spending small amounts of my time attempting to learn Davinci Resolve. I have the free version. It's a powerful video editing application that you can download for free. I just discovered the manual it comes with which has over 1,300 pages. I'm on page 16. There are good videos on YouTube about it too. It's been a long time since I attempted to learn a new application this powerful. Actually it's a first. This is a professional tool used for commercial video. I just want something to do with my video in my spare time. It will render YouTube 720p video if you wish or render high grade video or even DVD video. So we'll see what becomes of this new hobby.

It's still basically mud season here in this part of Maine. The water is high in most of the streams and anywhere else that water flows in spring. Anywhere off-road is wet. Lots of mud.
The other day I was thinking the term mud season tarnishes the good reputation of the word "spring". But really, our "spring" gets split in half. Once winter does let up, mud season kicks in and when that's finally all over and all the frost has left the ground and the mud has all dried up then it's blackfly season and that gets over just in time for the start of summer.
The worst part is that WE HERE ALL KNOW THIS! It's a fact of life here. It's as regular and predictable as snow in winter and fun in summer.


Quite a few years ago I signed up for an evening "creative writing" class down at the University of Maine and met this... let's say... unforgettable young single mom taking the same class. Her name is Jessica. By the way, Jessica, thank you for loaning me that pen the first night of class. I'd have been lost without it!

Yesterday I was searching through my room to see if I could find a missing battery charger for my new Lumix waterproof camera and in the back of the top drawer of my dresser I came across a letter that Jessica had written me several months after the class had finished. Jessica was the sort of person, for me anyway, that you just don't want to lose touch with. I wanted to be friends with her. So I wrote her a romantic letter because let's face it, I found her very attractive. She was intelligent to the extreme but also very attractive... and tall... and blonde even!

Anyway she wrote me back that she wasn't looking for a guy but she added a paragraph at the end that my writing her was romantic and she encouraged me to keep trying.

I actually don't remember if I replied to her letter or not but I did take it as a rejection. It wouldn't have been entirely inappropriate for her and myself to become friends since I was separated from my wife at the time, as I recall, but there was an enormous age difference between us so in that sense it was inappropriate. But I remember wondering at the time and I have wondered ever since if she meant I should not give up hope of finding a romantic relationship with someone else or if she meant I should not give up hope of having a romantic relationship with her! What a mystery!

However, by that time in my life I had come to realize that there is a very thin line, invisibly thin in fact, between a guy showing romantic interest in someone and him stalking her. For her sake and for my own I didn't cross that line after her letter with one tiny little exception. I hope she was OK with that exception.

Anyway, just thought I'd mention it.

Jessica, if you're still out there and if you ever read this, rest assured in my mind you were not just friendly and helpful and smart, you were beautiful. I enjoyed knowing you.

Sunday, April 29, 2018

Space Fudge

My mother used to make the best ever chocolate fudge. Probably half the fudge she made had walnuts in it and that was just as incredible as the straight chocolate fudge. She only made fudge for Christmas but her success depended on the weather so she made it when the weather was good, like summer maybe. I don't remember her recipe and I've not had fudge as good as hers ever since so I suppose it's a lost art but I do recall getting every last scrid of fudge from her pan and from that old slotted spoon that she wore out over the years by stirring hot fudge in the pan as it cooled. There wouldn't be even a stain of chocolate brown left on the spoon and not much more left in the pan. After all, it was a long wait till Christmas!

But I digress. The title of this post is Space Fudge, not Mom's Fudge.

I was just watching a YouTube video titled How the Universe is Way Bigger Than You Think and came across this scientific theory that the video refers to as the Theory of Cosmic Inflation which comes up in the discussion about ten and a half minutes into the video.

In the past year or so it has come to my attention that just the part of the universe that we have been able to see with our most refined telescopes stretches something like 45 billion light years in any direction we look which if you stop and think about it is quite amazing considering that the Big Bang happened something like 13 billion years ago. So in other words in those 13 billion years the matter and energy out there on the fringes of our observable universe didn't just move from the center of the "Bang" 45 billion light years out but after that, the light from those stars traveled 45 billion light years over to us on earth, and all in just 13 billion years of time. And that's just the observable part of the universe. The whole thing is said to be much larger. Don't believe me? Watch the video.

This Theory of Cosmic Inflation solves that problem in far less time than the blink of an eye it's so powerful! Plus it solves other similar major problems with the Big Bang Theory.

But the thing is, it seems to be a bit difficult to explain the theory in common language. For one thing there's a hypothetical field involved called the inflaton according to Wikipedia. That term doesn't just fail my spell checker, I would say it dabbles in the heretical "ether".

In the same paragraph Wikipedia says, "The detailed particle physics mechanism responsible for inflation is not known." I might paraphrase that as saying scientists don't have a clue how this magical event could have happened. Not surprising if you ask me. My mom's fudge was real. You could put it in your mouth and taste it and feel it melt and it was all good. This Space Fudge leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

I'm old enough now to remember a time when "The Big Bang" was just a theory. It wasn't accepted as proof of anything, just a theory to explain red shift when looking at distant objects in space.

I'm thinking there's been a lot of money spent on the attempt to convince the people of the world that all of existence began spontaneously with an enormous explosion estimated to have taken place around 13 billion years ago. There was a time back when I was younger and this was just a theory when a lot of people believed that the Big Bang Theory explained creation without the need for a divine creator. So huge sums of money were poured into the attempt to establish the Big Bang as a reality in the minds of the world's population. No need for God. It all began with a big bang.

Enormous numbers of professionals have owed and still owe their careers and their positions in life, financial and otherwise, to the money invested in the Big Bang Theory consensus. In other words, from a professional perspective there's a lot at stake here, a lot to lose if the theory fails. So there's obviously a need for pressure to sustain the theory.

But when the brightest minds on the planet can't do any better than they do fudging explanations for why the impossible is easily possible if you only believe more new theory, well that's where the boat gets a bit too tippy for me.

There are times when I think science like this is just one big Ponzi scheme. The more people you can get on board the scheme the more money there is to be had. And then it all comes tumbling down. The only difference is in a real Ponzi scheme the people responsible for it are supposed to go to jail.